Author Archives: ameliaflorencesimmons

New Year, New Direction?

Posted in Challenges by

You might have read my post on New Year’s Resolutions by now (it’s here: https://ameliaflorencesimmons.wordpress.com/2011/12/26/resolutions/ if you haven’t.) In the spirit of renewal, and making positive changes, and seeing as my blog has been such an important part of my year, I’ve been wondering what direction I should take it in. If you’re a follower of my blog/a regular reader, you might have noticed that my blog doesn’t exactly conform to a particular genre. One week I’ll post a recipe, then a music video, then a TV review. It might leap from an account of my weekend to a post on bioelectricity, and then a comment on fashion.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what direction to go in. Sometimes, I think it’d be easier just to be a fashion blog, or a music blog, or a food blog. But it never seems to work out like that. I’m too interested in too many different things to keep it tied down, and when I look at my blog, it’s a perfect reflection of me. Sometimes I’ll go in search of a little depth, other times I revel in the shallow end of life, and I always, always appreciate beautiful, strange and amusing things. I’ve elected to keep my blog the veritable mish-mash that it truly is, a cocktail of the things that I enjoy.

So, that’s how things stand. It’s like a blogging lucky dip, you never know what you’ll get. That being said, I do have one blogging mission that I’m going to try and complete, starting in the New Year. Now, every couple of years, my beloved Vogue magazine includes a ‘Secret Address Book’ supplement to the magazine. It’s essentially an A-Z of fantastically exciting places to go and things to do, mostly in and around London. I have to say, I was the tiniest bit disappointed with this 2011’s, because it included a lot of shops and salons. The 2008 edition was a bit more exciting in terms of culture, so I think I might try and dig out my old one. 2008 featured fascinating restaurants (dining in the dark, a completely raw food restaurant), as well as things like lectures and literary salons.

Anyway, inspired both by the book and by my need to actually start engaging with exciting things going on around me, I’ve decided to challenge myself. Over the course of 2012, I’m going to pick at least one place from each alphabetised section, and do a blog on it. Hopefully, I should learn new things, discover new places, and recommend some new places for you to go to. I’ll be supplementing this with visits to other exciting things I’ve wanted to do for a long time. It’s easy to feel like, now I’m not a student, I don’t feed my brain or try new things.

That’s my first mission for 2012. I’ll be starting in January with the letter ‘A’ (why does this suddenly feel like Sesame Street?!) so keep reading as I uncover some rather exciting places.

Also, if you have any of your own secret places, cultural happenings, or books you absolutely love, send a message my way. I’d love to hear your suggestions.

Preparing for my mind to be broadened…

Amelia xx

Resolutions

Posted in Positive Thinking by

I’ll start with a confession. I love New Year’s Resolutions. I start thinking about them back in November, and by the time this post-Christmas week rolls around, I’m absolutely dying for the New Year to start. Perhaps it’s also because my birthday is quite early in the year, in January, so it feels like a really fresh start.

In 2010, I couldn’t wait to shake off the old year, and it wasn’t just me. I remember sitting around with friends, and discussing how and why 2010 had been such a thoroughly appalling year all round. We deigned that 2011 was going to be ‘the year of getting what you deserve’ (for better or worse, I suppose!) Anywho, it really did work out that way. I finally got moving career wise, but more than anything, I actually managed to keep some semblance of my New Year’s Resolutions.

Despite my aforementioned lusting about them, I have frequently started out the year hepped up on lists and promises, running full force at a variety of ridiculous new hobbies, and burning myself out by March. Come March, my beautifully written, hopeful lists have crumbled to dust, my workout gear is rapidly getting eaten up by moths, and I’m teetering on bankruptcy due to all the ludicrous implements I’ve had to invest in for my new hobbies.

Back to the point. Last year was actually infinitely better, for just one good reason. I didn’t set myself ‘negative resolutions’. What I mean by that is, I didn’t have a single resolution that went along the lines of ‘Never, and I mean NEVER, eat biscuits’. They were all positive things, like ‘go to a music festival’. At the end of 2011, I found that I’d managed to keep a regular blog, throw a Royal Wedding party, go to my first concert (lame, but I’d always thought I’d rather just buy the CD and spend money on a proper night out…), go to my first festival (ALRIGHT, so I’m pathetic!), get my first ‘grown-up’ job, walk in a catwalk show, go to London Fashion Week, run Race For Life, become a regular contributor to an online fashion magazine, start my own business and become an ambassador for an amazing charity, amongst other things.

It worked because I started looking outwards. I also set myself goals about trying to think more about other people. One of the first challenges I set myself was making a copy of a jacket I owned that my little second cousin had taken a shine too, and that was probably one of my favourite things of the last year. I made it back in January, but she still wears it now! Too often, our Resolutions are all selfish, and often unreasonable: get thinner, get whiter teeth, go for a five hour run every morning, go from being single to married in twelve months, buy an amazing car, etc. I didn’t do any of those last year, I just set myself challenges, the most important of which was the following: to take every opportunity I could see.

If you keep your eyes open, you can change your life without even putting in a huge amount of effort. I’m a huge advocate of Twitter, and many of the positive things that have happened in the past year have been because I spotted an opportunity on Twitter, and took it. I even found my most recent job through The Mighty Twit. Do you know what? Life is just too short to keep holding yourself back. It’s a cliché, it’s all a cliché, but thinking like this worked for me. If you are holding yourself back, why? What are you scared of? Have no regrets, take every chance, just GO FOR IT.

I know it’s all sounding terribly naff and self-helpy. But 2011 has been a completely fantastic, different year for me than 2010, and so much of that has been due to my more positive state of mind. The world is absolutely full of possibilities, and you owe it to yourself to at least try. Whatever it is that’s holding you back, be it the fact that you only eat Super Noodles, or that you hate public transport, or that you’re in a rubbish relationship, just fix it and move on. Once you’re cleared the clutter from your life, you can focus on starting to achieve whatever it is you’ve always wanted.

Here are my suggestions for when you’re drawing up your Resolutions:

  1. Make it achievable – you’ve got to walk the line between aspiration and practicality. Keep it something that’s in your capabilities, for now. Remember, there’s always next year!
  2. Keep it positive – as I said, stick to challenges as opposed to huge lifestyle changes that you’ll never maintain.
  3. The more you try, the more good will come your way – things tend to feed into each other. You might be surprised as to what happens when you start making small changes.
  4. Put it on paper – if you’re writing a list, make it attractive, and put it on your wall, not just languishing in some mouldy old notebook.
  5. Don’t keep looking inwards – by all means, if you want to lose weight, go for it. But make sure you keep things balanced.
  6. Just say yes – the easiest way to make a change is to just start saying yes. Whether it’s event invitations, or giving someone a helping hand, just saying yes puts you on a good path. Keep it within reason though, don’t be the person who can’t ever say ‘no’…
  7. Pace yourself – trying to tick off everything on your list by the end of January is insanity. Try setting a new challenge at the beginning of each month, and you’ll keep your year interesting.
  8. Don’t join the gym…yet – ah, the classic resolution. Seriously, don’t kick off your year by outlaying huge amounts to the local fitness emporium. If you really are looking to shape up, start out by getting free workouts from YouTube. If, two months down the line, you want more, THEN join the gym.
  9. Small changes can be the most effective – if you don’t fancy a huge overhaul, keep it small. I’m taking this tip from one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever known: every time we’d go out to eat, he’d always have something different to eat. In fact, he would generally always try something new. Stop sticking to what you know. Adrian, I’m sending you a link to this post, because I want you to know I still remember your unique approach to life!
  10. Keep a blog – and finally, write it down. A blog is the perfect way to keep a record of what you’re up to. When you’re flagging, you can look back over the year and see all the different things you’ve done. I can’t recommend it enough.

So there we are, ladles and jellyspoons. I hope I’ve given you a bit of food for thought. Don’t be daunted by the new year, and don’t make the same mistakes you did last time. Be excited by life, be inspired, and be positive. You won’t have any regrets, I promise.

Whether you make the biggest change of your life in 2012, or you keep it small, good luck. You can do it!

Lots of love,

Amelia xx 

Black Mirror: The Entire History of You

Posted in Culture, Films & TV, Social Media by

Or, where did it all go wrong?

Even when I read the synopsis for each episode of Black Mirror, the third instalment was the one which grabbed me the least. I’ve got no idea why, but I thought it sounded a little flat, and a little predictable. In fact, I even read a book for children when I was about 10, which centred around the idea of a girl who could fast forward and rewind time. Readers, I should have saved myself an hour and got that book out from the library. Black Mirror: The Entire History of You (TEHOY, you know the drill by now. TEHOY, mateys! Avast, there be a terrible plot! Etc etc) revolved around the premise of a world where we can review our lives by flashing back to moments and replaying them. Over and over. And over.

Think of how much time we spend dissecting our lives already. I must have clocked up hours sitting down with friends and furiously muttering things like: ‘so, when he said that, do you think that meant he liked me?’ My well meaning friend would reply: ‘well, how exactly did he say it? Did he say, “see you soon”, or “see you soon”?’ Instead of putting on a gruff voice and imitating whatever my passing fancy had said, in TEHOY world, I’d just replay the scene for her. By the way, I’m not actually that neurotic – I was just illustrating a point. Of all the various premises of Black Mirror, this wasn’t particularly interesting, and was also very poorly executed. I didn’t even fancy anyone this week.

I’ll start with the characters. Our main man Liam (Toby Kebbell) is a lawyer who becomes increasingly suspicious of his wife (I think they were married, I really, really failed to absorb much info) having an affair with a ‘prick’ called Jonah. Jonas? A Jonas Brother? Judas? I finished watching the thing ten minutes ago and I already can’t remember. Maybe there is something to be said for ‘Grain’ technology, where I could just rewind back to the…oh, right. Yeah, 4oD.

I’m not going to bore you with plot details, because it was essentially a middle class version of Eastenders. I imagine. I’ve actually never seen Eastenders. I’m too middle class. Liam obsesses over the events of a dinner party where his wife/partner/girlfriend/who cares is reunited again with Jonah/Jonas/Jesus. For the entire agonising hour of the drama, he just plays and replays events using the Grain implanted behind his ear, analysing things. I’m going to say right here that WATCHING THE SAME THINGS AGAIN AND AGAIN IS RIDICULOUSLY BORING. We got the picture within seconds, we’re not idiots. We knew he could rewind and replay bits. We had no need of seeing each one of those bits again and again.

That was my first issue: that I was bored senseless. The second issue was that everybody was hugely unlikeable. Main man Liam was an absolute arse. Black Mirror worked in weeks 1 and 2 because I liked and/or sympathised with PM Michael Callow and Bing, respectively. But this guy? Please. I’m not sure if it was the writing or the acting, but I didn’t care a jot what happened to him. That’s another thing: you’ll be able to predict the end after about fifteen minutes in. His ‘life partner’, Ffion, was unsympathetic too, and….oh, I just disliked them all. I wish I could review the programme properly, but it was just terrible. Also, Stephen Mangan should have played the lead role.

Jesse Armstrong wrote the script, and I was surprised to find not even the merest hint of humour. After all, this is the co-creator of Peepshow and Fresh Meat we’re talking about. Nothing. I suppose it was slightly like an episode of Peepshow if Peepshow had been written by somebody bloated on a diet of Eastenders and misery, and if the actors in Peepshow had been plucked from some wanky, self-involved student production. I expected more from Jodie Whittaker, who is usually a very good actress. The single vestige of Peepshow that remained was those weird POV shots when one of the boys kisses someone. Even that failed to make me laugh. Oh! I just feel so irrevocably miserable about the whole thing.

Essentially, if you took away the technology, this would be a really crap version of Othello, or He Knew He Was Right. Jealous people will always be jealous, and you can still wreck a relationship without a PVR in your head. The other episodes looked at how technology was ruling and destroying our lives, but this hugely missed the point. Actually, I still remember seeing one of my friends playing and replaying a video on Facebook of a recent ex, sure that she’d seen him with an arm around someone. I don’t know whether that example illustrates the point of TEHOY, or does the opposite. Like I said, I’m feeling far too uninspired by the episode to bother making links. This is a terrible review for a programme that I can’t even really rip to shreds properly.

It felt to me like the episodes got smaller in scope. Week one was about Britain as a whole, week two was about one section of society, and week three was about a small group of people. Rubbish, boring, annoying people. I also think it declined in quality. I was disturbed by the first two programmes, but the final episode did nothing for me. Hence the one part review, which is unheard of for me. I can write 2000+ words on anything, but not this. It was poor, badly acted, unfunny, uninteresting, and there was nobody having sex with a pig. All in all, very disappointing. Should this kind of technology come in, you can rest assured I’ll be deleting this particular episode of Black Mirror from my brainbox.

God, I miss you. Please come back.

Toodle pip.

Fit or fad? Tracy Anderson

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I’ve been meaning to do a review of Tracy Anderson and her workout DVDs for ages, but I wanted to wait until I’d been doing it for a bit longer than two days before talking about it! I’ve been doing a combination of her Mat Workout, Total Cardio and Dance Cardio DVDs for three weeks now, so I thought I’d do a bit of a check in, in case anyone is interested in trying Tracy out.

Tracy Anderson seems to be an extraordinarily controversial figure (literally!) in the fitness world. Those who like her worship her with an almost cult-like fervour, while her doubters think she’s some sort of spawn of Satan. It’s difficult to find unbiased reviews. The attention is hugely on Tracy Anderson as a person, as opposed to her method. Anyway, so far, I’ve found her method to be extremely effective and with quick results. It’s tough, and certainly not to everybody’s taste. I’m going to walk you through the positives and negatives of what I’ve found so far. The things that I like might be things you’d hate, but it’ll at least leave you better informed.

The Good

  • I like Tracy Anderson. She’s a welcome contrast from all fitness instructors with rictus smiles, grinning like they’re having THE BEST TIME EVER working out. Tracy just gets on with the workout. Sometimes she gives a tiny smile when she’s doing a particularly difficult move, but that’s it.
  • People have criticised her for having perfectly waved hair and nice workout outfits, but this is another thing I like. She doesn’t look like a scruff in a tracksuit, but she equally doesn’t look like some of those awful girls in legwarmers and leotards who do those Ministry of Sound workouts.
  • For the Mat workout and the Dance Cardio, Tracy has no back up dancers/exercisers. I love this, because I never see the point of having other people doing the workout on screen.
  • Somehow, it seems to be the perfect toughness for me. You do a certain amount of reps, and just as you’re getting tired, Tracy suddenly changes the angle and you’re working a different muscle.
  • She doesn’t burble on! This, again, is something she’s been picked up on. People say she’s a ‘terrible teacher’, and that it feels like invading her own ‘personal performance’. Well, I love it. I learn by watching, not by listening. Tracy wants you to do these DVDs 5-6 times a week, and seriously – if you had to keep hearing the same patter over and over, you’d go mad.
  • I’ve seen results insanely quickly. In just over two weeks, I’ve lost about 5 ½ lbs. That in itself is good, but actually, it’s the inch loss and body reshaping I’m most excited about. I think I’d lost something insane like 4 inches overall in that short time, which shows I’m not just losing water weight. I can really see a difference in my thighs, stomach and arms. I’ve NEVER been able to do much about my thighs, so this is pretty miraculous in itself.
  • I like Tracy’s philosophy. I love the fact that she wants to help you attain a feminine shape instead of what she calls ‘the typical shape seen in women’s fitness’; i.e. bulked up muscular arms, solid thighs, a six pack. This suits me down to the ground: I’ve often been told by people that I’m ‘slim but with curves’, and I didn’t want to wreck the lines of my body with bulky muscles. She doesn’t want you lifting more than 3lbs, and again, I love this. She gets you to do a lot of reps from different angles, so really pulling in the ‘accessory muscles’, meaning your arms get thinner as opposed to more muscular. This is precisely what I want, but I know some girls will recoil in horror at that. Each to their own, I say.
  • The Dance Cardio and Total Cardio DVDs are tricky to learn. Each features a handful of ‘combinations’, and there is absolutely no way you can just pop it in and learn it all in the first go. You actually have to work on it; which means breaking it right down and learning one routine at a time. I learn one then practice it over and over again, to my own music. This is GREAT for me, as it reminds me of when I danced. I used to love doing routines over and over again, learning them inside out. It also means you get so much mileage out of her DVDs. You don’t just watch them a couple of times, you could be learning new stuff for months.
  • Tracy pouts a lot. People seem to hate this. I’m a pouter myself, and having watched myself workout in the mirror this morning, I am definitely doing a Tracy Anderson approved frowny pout. Be proud, fellow pouters!
  • For the Dance Cardio DVD, you can choose to watch the routines from the back or from the front. That means you don’t have to watch it and keep mirroring her moves! You can just breeze through.

The Bad

  • The diet element. Tracy claims that she ‘can’t guarantee any results’ unless you’re following her diet plan too. This diet plan advocates things like pureed spinach as lunch, bans things like oils and spices, and has been estimated to provide 700 calories a day. This is pretty obscene considering you might be burning 600 calories a day from the two hours of working out she wants you to do. 700 calories means that your body is well and truly in starvation mode, and when you come crashing off the Tracy method (as you inevitably will), you’re going to pile on the pounds. I personally follow my own sensible diet. I refuse to go under 1200 calories. I’ve got ‘form’ when it comes to disordered eating, and I know that 700 cals per day will spell disaster for me.
  • Ouch! My knees! Tracy’s cardio is seriously hard on the joints. In the last week, I’ve been lying in bed at night, my knees absolutely aching. I do her workouts in proper dance trainers, which minimise the shock to my joints, so the fact that they STILL hurt is worrying. Her routines involve a seriously crazy amount of jumping. I’m still working on my stamina, so I tend to ‘mark through’ the routines a lot, and tone it down. If you’re above a certain weight or age, this is going to wreck you. I’m continuing because my body used to be fine with all this stuff, back in the days of dance and physical theatre, so I know I’ll adapt eventually.
  • Excuse me? I do a jumping jack and then WHAT? The routines are seriously, seriously complicated. Professional dancers have stated that they can’t follow them. The part of my brain that can learn routines is kicking back in, but slowly. For now, I just take them apart and keep repeating them over and over. If you don’t have the patience for this and just want to do a routine and forget about it, don’t buy these. She also sometimes seems to change moves slightly when she switches from learning the routine to performing it. Wowza.
  • The time it takes: Tracy wants you to work out for two hours a day. As I’m working from home right now, I can fit this round my day. If you go out to work or you have kids, good luck. It’s not a forgiving schedule.

So ultimately, I dig her controversial philosophy, I love the workouts, I like Tracy, and the results for me have spoken for themselves. And sure – of course you’d see results from any workout you were doing this much, but I really believe that Tracy’s routines are giving me the shape I want. They’re right for my needs at the moment. HOWEVER, some of the negatives could be pretty insurmountable. If you’ve got a history of injury, steer clear. If you’ve had an eating disorder, stay awaaaay from the diet plan. Actually, everybody should stay away from the diet plan. If you’re pushed for time, don’t bother. If your brain isn’t quick to pick up dance routines, run away screaming.

If you’re still interested, find Tracy’s DVDs on Amazon or Ebay. If you’ve got Lovefilm, they’re also on there, and I think that’s the perfect way to try before you buy. Likewise, pop her name into Youtube and you’ll find examples of her routines. Let me know how you get on!

Fifteen Million Merits: Part One

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Well then. Fifteen Million Merits last night, right after the X Factor final. Who watched? What did you think? For me, it made me realise how good I’d found The National Anthem, how disturbed I’d been by it and how thought-provoking I’d found it, whereas Fifteen Million Merits (FMM for short, because I’m not typing that every few minutes) left me cold, for the most part. And not in a cold sweat, which is what happened after last week’s. I think because I reacted so extremely to The National Anthem – too upset to sleep, flashbacks throughout the week (especially when a particular sound effect came on in The Archers, oh Jesus), and I was still thinking about it yesterday and making connections; it was going to be tough for anything to compete with that.

Funnily enough, the general consensus seems to be the other way round, that this week was genius, and last week was…well, something to be consigned to a pig sty. All I know is, during TNA, I was gripped for every single ghastly minute. During FMM I kept pulling up the TV guide on screen and making sure I wasn’t missing any good films. Then I spent most of the time on Twitter, which is both exactly what Charlie Brooker probably wants but detests me for at the same time.

So, FMM. Where to begin? We start with scenes of Bing (the amazing Daniel Kaluuya)  waking up in his screen-bound world, losing merits for every time he ‘takes’ something – toothpaste, skipping an advert, eating some food – and gaining them by just pedalling on a bike for hour on end, presumably generating the energy needed to run the technology that is keeping everybody prisoner. We see a selection of the ‘entertainment’ on offer, and let me tell you, there’s no such thing as ‘Frasier’ in this dystopian future. Nope, it’s all fat people stuffing their faces, computer generated bike rides, and X Factor style ads for ‘Hot Shot’ (a talent show) – oh, and the ‘Wraith Babes’ channel. Bearing the example from TNA in mind (i.e. everything you see means something), I knew to keep an eye on this ‘Wraith Babes’ malarkey, and that this wouldn’t be the last we saw of it.

Bing is in love with a girl called Abi (Jessica Brown Findlay), but in a world where everything is controlled and manufactured, can their love exist? So far, so 1984, as I’m sure everybody said. Being TV illiterate, I haven’t seen either Downton Abbey or Fades, which is what the two leads are known for being in, so I had no frame of reference for them as actors. I thought they were fantastic, and not unlike the way Rory Kinnear and Lindsay Duncan made TNA by playing it gruesomely straight, these two carved something from the script by injecting a very natural, very real romance into a world where everything is false.

PLOT TIME! It takes ages for the plot to get started, unlike the ‘PIG SEX’ precisely one minute into TNA. I think it’s to build up a picture (or, screen) of the eye-bleeding monotony of their lives, where everything, including porn, is prescribed. The edge has been taken off everything – fruit is all too perfect; the Wraith Babes seem to be performing a very clinical, softcore, Britney Spears backing dancer-esque set of wriggling about; anything created is chucked. Abi constantly makes little origami penguins, which the yellow-clad cleaners throw away repeatedly. ‘Debris’, they mutter as they swat the little birds from around her. So Abi and Bing slope onwards in their pointless lives, watching crappy TV, and listening to a guy who REALLY reminded me of comedian Lee Mack yelling at the screen and at the cleaners.

I am the MTV generation folks, whether I like it or not. My attention span isn’t the best. I was flagging around 40-50 minutes in, wondering where the scathing dissection of the X Factor was that I’d been promised. Christ, the only reason I’d sat through the bloody X Factor final was to provide some context for this show! Dear Mr Cowell, I will be invoicing you for the two hours of my life that I shall never get back. Anyway, Bing hears Abi singing in the bathroom and tells her she should enter ‘Hot Shot’. She explains that she lives ‘hand to mouth’, that she can’t throw away the merits needed (the Fifteen Million of the title.) Bing promises he’ll give her his. It’s a sweet scene, both actors play it very innocently, making it all the more unbearable when the huge screen opens up next to Bing broadcasting the Wraith Babes to all and sundry. Oh, didn’t I mention? The screens are like those hideous targeted ads that stalk you around the internet. You know, when you accidentally scroll your mouse over them and they open up and pelt you with loud noise and you can’t turn them off. Well, imagine that following you around. On all your walls.

Bing is embarrassed, because the screen clearly projects what you’ve been watching previously, or something similar. Now this is the KEY POINT. You’ve got to watch Abi’s reaction when the trashy looking Babes come on. She sweetly averts her eyes and looks at the floor until it’s gone, then raises her head awkwardly. This is the reaction you need to remember as foreshadowing of what’s to come.

Read Part Two here:

https://ameliaflorencesimmons.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/fifteen-million-merits-part-two/

Fifteen Million Merits: Part Two

Posted in Culture, Films & TV by

About two million hours in – or, the length of an X Factor final itself – we finally got somewhere. Bing purchases the ‘Hot Shot’ ticket and accompanies a nervous Abi , who is beginning to have doubts about the whole ordeal. Bing talks her into it, and they swoop down to get her checked in. Bing gets a ‘Hot Shot’ stamp on his hand as her designated friend/family, and is told it’ll probably last ‘about two months’. No kidding, I’ve suffered at the hands of an overzealous stamper before when I’ve been on a night out, and it SUCKS. Led to the ‘backstage’ area, we get a glimpse of the ‘behind the scenes’ bit we always see on X Factor/Britain’s Got Talent, where hoardes of hopeless hopefuls are warming up or stretching out. The only difference is they’re all in grey tracksuits. No Kitty Brucknells here (THANK GOD.)

FINALLY, I think. We’re getting somewhere. Eventually Abi gets through to the stage, and we see the judges: Judges Charity, Hope, and…you guessed it, Wraith. A quote from 1 Corinthians (chanks Google, sadly I can’t remember huge chunks of the Bible myself) says this: ‘And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity’. Nice one guys, rhyming ‘charity’ with ‘charity’ was really ace. Anywho. I’m not in any way saying you’d have been better pushed to spend the time reading the Bible, no sirree bob. But what in God’s name was Rupert Everett thinking with his bizarre accent?

I still can’t work out if it was Aussie, New Zealand or South African. I like to imagine that he’s the kind of actor who gets really, really into the role, and just showed up at rehearsal and went ‘guys. Guys! I’VE GOT IT. I’m going to make him an Aussie/New Zealander/South African!’, and everybody just had to go ‘heeeey! Nice one Rupes, great idea’ etc etc until he shut up and drank his Starbucks. I adore Rupert Everett, I just didn’t understand what the accent was about. I would guess that they didn’t want it to be an impression of Simon Cowell, but last week worked on the basis of Rory Kinnear looking like a love child of Nick Clegg and David Cameron, so why would you deviate from that? Julia Davis was clearly giving her all to an impression of Amanda Holden. Everett just perched on the end looking like a mug shot of George Michael and acting up a storm, but with an ACCENT.

Aaand calm. Anyway, they hustled Abi into the spotlight, and she sang, and Judge Wraith began to talk about her taking her top off, and she looked confused and nervous, and Judge Hope (Everett) said ‘throw another shrimp on the Barbie, mate’. Then the crowd (all made up of avatars) cajoled Abi into signing up to be one of Wraiths Babes. She agreed. The kind, naive, innocent Abi was hauled off to provide 24 hour porn, which Bing himself would later have to watch (not having enough merits to skip it.) Even the scene where he had to watch her tartily made up face contorted on screen wasn’t quite there for me. I may be an utter pervert, but I wanted to see even more humiliation for her. Otherwise it was just a girl with some makeup on with some chap’s thumb in her mouth. A normal Friday out in Tunbridge Wells, what what!

Has anybody ever watched Babestation? Because that’s what Wraith Babes sort of was. If you haven’t, you’ve got to. True fact: you can actually hear your soul steadily seeping away. I remember flicking onto it with a friend and talking about the deadened eyes and plastic lips of the girls. It’s not even porn – the girls have sex with the air as opposed to a man/woman/pig, and they can never take their knickers off, I believe. What upsets me the most about watching it is thinking ‘that’s somebody’s little girl. That plastic chested, shark eyed girl was once a baby.’ Unbearable. I’d hazard a guess that a lot of girls who go for ‘modelling’ careers end up there. So, that’s what lovely Abi with the origami penguins and the fringe was consigned to for the rest of her life.

I don’t think a good enough reason was given as to why. Ok, she’d been drugged slightly before she went on, and the audience of avatars were cheering for her to do it, but really there wasn’t a moment when I saw that she had to make that choice. And she had a choice – it was porn or back to the bikes. Dude! The bikes weren’t that bad! Sorry, but if Brooker can make me think that the PM had no choice but to have sex with a pig on live TV, he should be able to make me think a girl can sell herself to a life of Babestation.

I found the avatar audience pointless. It lost the imposing feel of a real audience. If you’ve watched a talent show, you know that the ugliest part is when the camera turns on the audience and focuses on a single face as it turns from delight to anger, and starts chanting ‘off, off! OFF!’ And here’s where my stumbling block was. I was expecting this programme to really, really rinse X Factor/BGT for all it was worth. I thought Cowell would be completely lampooned. I thought the whole franchise would wriggle under the weight of Brooker’s careful and precise incisions.

Read the final part, Part Three here: https://ameliaflorencesimmons.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/fifteen-million-merits-part-three/