The National Anthem: Part Two

00.27 People are working out green screens, angles, and…erm…positions. A group of men in suits are ushering a wide boy into the studio, who is a porn star.

Again, it’s genius the way that people are just addressing this, problem-solving, working around it. At no point has anybody said ‘the PM can’t have sex with a pig on live TV!’

00.29 PM’s asking about how this is ranking in the polls. If this happened to David Cameron (which I’m guessing is what we’re supposed to be thinking), would anyone be able to look him in the face again? His advisor tells him there would be ‘no blood on his hands’ if the Princess was killed.

00.31 We’re allegedly seeing the Princess having her finger chopped off. In the little photo of her, she really bloody does look like Kate Middleton. Oh, hi, dinner. Just hang in there a bit longer, ok? Essentially, a warning has come that the kidnappers know foul play is going on.

00.32 The realisation that ‘the PM is going to have to do it!’ seems to be kicking in thick and fast. His advisor, Lindsay Duncan (sorry, I’ve run out of descriptions), informs him about the porn star.

00.34 Sam Cam clone is checking Twitter. And there’s the ugly timeline we’ve all come to know and love. You know, when you search something or click on a hashtag, and you see a collection of comments from utter lunatics? There’s a particularly delightful description of what SCC will be doing in the months after the…erm…’pig enjoyment episode’, and also the phrase ‘pig AIDS’. I do exactly what I’m supposed to: laugh guiltily at the Twitter messages, then feel utterly disgusting when I see SCC’s twisted up, mortified face.

Public opinion is shifting: the public now want to see ‘the demands met’. This is a beloved Princess we’re talking about, after all.

00.35 They’re surrounding the building where the suspected kidnappers are. News crew/rude piccies lady has inveigled herself right in on the action. Jesus. When I’m at work, people are lucky if I go out to Starbucks to get coffee for them, let alone to a deserted building with my iPhone to get a scoop.

00.37 Predictably, news crew/rude pics lady is now being chased by the armed crew who are chasing the kidnappers. That’s the only bit I saw coming, by the way. So far.

00.38 PM is hanging his head in his hands. Lindsay Duncan has cut the crap and is being blunt. She mentions his ‘questionable popularity’, and what the real consequences will be of him not going ahead with this. He’s staring into Lindsay’s heavily Elnetted hair do and suddenly he’s getting it. He’s held onto every last shred of hope, but now…how far will he go for his country…is the life of the Princess worth more than his disgrace? Will I ever come up with a better description for Lindsay Duncan than ‘Lindsay Duncan’? Find out after the break.

Read part three here: