00.18 More utter dross as the contestants visit their respective home towns. I can’t write about this, chaps. I’ve got some integrity. No, wait, I’ve misspelt that. I meant I’ve got some grit in my eye, from watching this awful parade of lunacy.
00.19 Gaz has popped in with Marcus to meet his fam. He looks a woman (Marcus’ mum?!) right in the eye with the smouldering charm of the old bloke in the Werther’s Original ad, and says ‘it’s a bit hot in here….can I take my coat off?’ He’s turned away from the camera and I’m convinced he’s wearing a t shirt with the face of Marcus on, just to show he’s game for a laugh. But…no, turns out he’s just wearing a shirt with EVERY SINGLE BUTTON DONE UP ON IT. Has anyone watched the Amish programme? Because Gary makes the Amish people look like backing dancers for Lady Gaga compared with his austere wardrobe.
Now we’re literally just watching Gary sitting down and nearly having an orgasm over a cup of tea. My mother insists on calling him ‘Grandad Barlow’, and for once I don’t think she’s being utterly insane. He’s the oldest person in the world (bar Amelia Lily, which I have already addressed.)
00.20 Gary has been talking to Marcus’s grandpa. He clearly feels right at home. There’s a “touching” scene between Marcus and his mum. I do love Marcus, he’s got an unbelievably perfect face. But my hate for the X Factor overwhelms everything.
00.21 Marcus is singing with what looks like the cast of the porno version of ‘Pan Am’. Christ on a stick, Marcus has just SUNG something like ‘X Factooooorrrr finaaaal, wooooo yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhh’. That’s a bit like when I’m pottering around the kitchen going ‘cup of coffeeeeee, oh yeeeeeah, making myseeelf some coffeeeeee’. Which I, erm, do actually do. So shoot me!
He’s doing an actually rather good version of ‘Hey Ya’. And WHAT? Some blokes in high vis jackets just hopped on the stage. I like to think they’re some random flash mob. But really, whoever styles these things has no aesthetic taste whatsoever. I am not looking at a stylised, elegant image of an airport, I’m genuinely looking at the set of a cheap porno. Any minute, the high vis jacket guys are going to start saying things like ‘I hear you need your propellers rotated, wink wink’, or ‘Want to see what I’ve got in MY overhead storage compartment?’
Oh, ok. So I could never write a cheap porno script. I think we’ve all learnt something here today.
00.24 Prime example of why I hate X Factor right here: Tulisa leans over the desk, eyes Marcus and says ‘YOU DID IT!’ The crowd go nuts. WHY? Isn’t that like saying ‘well, you turned up’? Because you quite literally have nothing better to say? Surely that’s the comment equivalent of a certificate of attendance?
00.28 Little Mix now. I do like these girls, but I don’t like Tulisa making them out to be the saviour of womankind, or a fourth wave of feminism. I might be wrong. Maybe in a few years at uni people will be studying Helen Cixous, Andrea Dworkin, and Little Mix.
00.32 Little Mix are doing ‘You got the love’. A rare treat, to hear this song. It’s so nice because it’s so underperformed, I find. They’re doing ok, though. Sweet enough girls. That’s…really all I’ve got to say on it. Except for that fact that they look like freaking B*witched. ALL DENIM? ALL DENIM???????? X Factor stylist, you’re on crack, right? It’s cool, you can tell me. Come to mention it, ‘Little Mix’ sort of sounds like a drug some utterly dubious type would press into your hand at a party, intoning ‘here….have some Little Mix.’
00.35 Gazza says he’s been in a band for years, and that ‘friendship’ is really important. Yeah, let’s ask Robbie what he thinks, shall we?
00.42 Time for the other Amelia, aka the Lily variety. I can’t work out why she makes me so cross. I think she has the face of a girl who would give you death stares all night in a bar/club for no reason whatsoever, then say rude things very loudly about one of your friends. Just pure conjecture.
00.46 Yes, let’s quell any ideas that she looks/sounds like a third rate Christina Aguilera by giving her a Christina Aguilera song to sing, shall we? She can sing, for sure, but…oh, I can’t be bothered. I’m going to go and order a dress online.
00.47 Right, that’s all done. Now, this is interesting. I do know the result of who goes out, and I know it to be SPOILER ALERT BUT WHO CARES ANYWAY: Amelia Lily. I suspect this is nothing to do with singing but damage limitation. HMV and M&S both seemingly saying she’ll win, then of course the suspicious comeback, and the fact that it was announced she’d be back in an hour before voting closed. She had to go tonight, because otherwise the X Factor’s “reputation” (haaaaaa!) would be damaged irreparably.
There’s a man supporting Amelia called ‘Mr Pink’. He’s just covered in pink paint. Amelia admits to knowing him. Ok, I think that’s ultimately what scuppered her chances.
00.52 They’re already doing a recap. AN HOUR IN. Actually, it’s good, because I was so blacked out on despair, self-loathing and that ‘Little Mix’ that someone at a party gave me that I missed most of it.
00.53 JLS are performing. Lovely chaps. I can’t be bothered to write about it. I’m kind of just looking forward to seeing the disappointment on Amelia Lily’s face when she doesn’t get through. Damn, everything Charlie Brooker said about me was true. I would totally tune in if the PM had to have sex with a pig. I’m awful. But again, enough about my personal life.