Ah, the momentous not-quite-X Factor-final that is the Saturday night show. So far I’ve heard that: 1. One contestant will go, 2. The contestants will be forced at gunpoint into a duet with their mentor, and 3. We get to pick one judge to be sent away to the icy lands of Siberia, never to be seen again. Also, WAGNER was talking to The Guardian’s Stu Heritage for their liveblog last night! So what the hell are you doing reading my coverage??!

I’m only going to talk about the important points, because quite frankly, we all know they’ll be visiting home towns, weeping into the camera and coughing up whatever traumatic experiences have blighted their young years so far. I care not for this kind of rubbish. Anyway, the programme is predicted to last around 17 days, and I can’t possibly sit and blog for that long. As you can see, this isn’t even a live blog – it’s Sunday morning. Missing the boat. Anyway, don’t just stand there, let’s get to it, strike a pose there’s nothing to it, as Johnny Robinson would have said. Oh, Johnny. You should be there, at Wembley. This show is NOTHING without you.

Admit it, you just Googled ‘Johnny Robinson’, didn’t you? How soon we forget.

00.02 And the flashing lights, cut to’s and general loudness has started. Can epileptics watch this programme? Anybody? Actually, can people with good taste watch this programme? is probably a better question. All the contestants are excited (shrieky), grateful (sob-y), or nervous (an ugly combination of the two.)

00.03 Wow. WOW. I usually die a bit inside when Dermot dances, but this is probably the best thing I’ve ever seen. He’s grooving all over the city, and what – there’s GOLDIE. Remember her? No need for Google on that one, eh? And suddenly he’s in the studio, hopping about in a manner I like to call ‘small bug does Austin Powers impersonation’.

00.07 Judges have been introduced. Gary Barlow is sucking fun from the audience like a dementor sucks life from Harry Potter. Was that their MO? It’s been ages since I read Potter.

00.07 I’M MISSING THE ARCHERS FOR THIS. Right, onto Amelia Lily. Now, they say she’s 17, but she has the air of a creature some 200 years old, who wanders the Venice canals eating souls and changing her appearance to avoid capture. Anyone else with me on that?

And then I fast forwarded it a bit because I couldn’t BEAR all the sob stories.

The Daily Mail is running a story tomorrow on how Amelia Lily has not opened her eyes since she was 10.

00.11 I honestly don’t think I’m going to make this one, guys. The contestants are singing ‘Greatest Day of Our Lives’, there are people at the back holding up torches, and the crowd WILL NOT SHUT UP. I’m already feeling more traumatised than last Sunday, when I watched Rory Kinnear having sex with a pig. That was peachy compared with this. Rory said he’s bringing a goat over tonight, just for a bit of variation. We like to mix it up, you know.

AD BREAK: Unremarkable except for the fact that it had a BEAUTIFUL Marc Jacobs ad in it.

Read part two here: https://ameliaflorencesimmons.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/x-factor-not-so-live-blog-part-2/